I’m sitting at the Java House, a Kenyan equivalent of Starbucks, mooching off of their free Internet. Today hasn’t been the greatest of days despite it being July 4th. In the past, America’s Independence Day from the British had little importance to me. To be honest, it was another opportunity to party and have a good time. Memories of various 4ths are wafting back to me with the earliest being in Huntington Beach with Michelle Kim, Jennifer Spensieri, Chase Burton, and the Sidansky brothers (among others). A 4th in Seattle, Washington kept secret from my parents for a long time, a 4th with my parents and their friends, and more recently, a 4th of July celebration in Philadelphia. This year’s 4th of July, I am sitting in a cafe in Nairobi, Kenya. The only similarity is that Kenya is a former British colony and they gained their independence around 50 years ago. Every time I am in Nairobi, I am reminded of what it feels like to be living in a metropolitian city – just another one of the masses. It calms and soothes me but at the same time it scares me to think that I led a life very similar to what Nairobi Kenyans are living and how easily I could fall back into that life. A life full of materialism and a constant search of something bigger or better. At times, I feel even more stress here than I do in Meru. Granted, Meru is a growing city of its own but it’s an Oklahoma City compared to Nairobi’s New York City. Today, I woke up feeling good about myself but that feeling quickly deteriorated as the day went on. I went to the dentist’s to check up on my teeth – they had been feeling tight and my jaw muscles were insanely painful. Once again, the dentist pointed at stress and my ongoing case of bruxism. I got a new mouthguard that only fits on my two front teeth, which makes me happy because that’s the area of my teeth that’s being damaged the most since I’ve arrived in Kenya. It turns out that I manifest my stress into my jaw muscles and teeth, mostly. I’m not sure what exactly triggered this feeling of hopelessness I have (the issues with my jaws, teeth, this weird rash that’s spreading down my right arm, and to top it all off a big boil on my left side sure didn’t help matters much.) but it’s there and I have to deal with it. Volunteers tell me that I’m at a phase (around 6-8 months into service) where the ‘honeymoon’ period is over. This is where the newness and adventrous feel of everything fades and I suddenly see everything for how they really are. I’ll be going back to Meru tomorrow and I’ll have only 12 days before I return to Nairobi to fly out to South Africa for the World Federation of the Deaf conference. I can not wait – it will be a nice break from everyone and everything.

Oh, I think I remember what triggered this flurry of emotions. The British dentist was sympathizing my situation as a volunteer and that stress is a very understandable. Humans are naturally creatures of comfort and routine – they derive hapiness from the people and places that they are comfortable with. I took myself out of that sphere of comfort completely and completely exposed myself by transporting myself 10,000 miles away into an unknown land. I guess I should be proud of myself for this feat that I’ve done and what I’m doing at my school but I’m somehow not sure I am.

It may be because I chose to withold information regarding my ablity to speak and hear to the teachers at my school because I believed it was in their best interest to become fluent in Kenyan Sign Language for themselves and my students’ education.

It may be because I feel guilty for leaving my family and friends and not keeping very well in touch with them.

It may be because I feel like I should be doing something more for my students, my community, this country.

All I know is that I am here and I am going to continue trying my best to do what I can. I’ve already made some great friends along the way and learned much more than I would have had I stayed home. The World Federation of the Deaf will have a wealth of information for me to bring back to Kenya, and I am truly excited for that.

As you know, my family and friends -wherever you are – I love and miss you.